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The Types of Quilter's Husbands


Mark Tiedeman of Quilter's Paradise

Just as there are many types of personalities and ways by which people can be categorized, the same is true of quilter's husbands. (For the male quilters out there, our apologies ... simply substitute "wife" for "husband". And for the unmarried couples, use "significant other".) They come in many varieties and, being the complex creatures that they are, generally match more than one type at a time. Further, a husband's type can and does evolve over time. Take yours truly ... I was one of "those" quilter's husbands only a few years ago. But now that I've been employed full-time in the quilt shop, I have reformed and am now a "Man of the Cloth".

Based on observing thousands of quilter's husbands and situations, we have devised the following types of quilter's husbands. As you would expect, these types have been specifically tailored to reflect their attitude toward and relationship with quilting. For the daring couples out there, we feel that the two of you may have some fun by each independently determining which categories apply to the husband and then comparing results!

Type Definition
Drop & Go He drops you off at the quilt shop and proceeds to go somewhere else (e.g., the motorcycle shop, Home Depot, the golf course, fishing, etc.).
Stop & Go He drops you off at the quilt shop but waits impatiently in the car counting the seconds because he's made it clear that you're on the clock.
Go but No Show He grudgingly accompanies you to the quilt shop and is content to wait interminable periods of time in the car because he can't be seen in a quilt shop.
No Go He has a more severe case of "Quilt Shop Phobia" than his "Go but No Show" comrade because he can't bear to be anywhere near a quilt shop.
Go To & Fro He gladly drives you to quilt shops anywhere and everywhere.
Keeps Profile Low He's willing to come into the quilt shop, but makes a bee line for any place where he can be left alone to read or catch some Z's.
Carry & Tow He dutifully and quietly shadows your every step in the quilt shop carrying the bolts of fabric you have selected.
Go with the Flow He actively participates in deciding which fabrics to get - whether you want him to or not.
Yo! A manly man who's like Rocky Balboa because he knows exactly what to say when he sees fabrics and quilts that he appreciates.
Gotta Get Mo' He insists that you get at least 3 yards of any fabric that you purchase, thereby ensuring that you will not be short of fabric and, in turn, avoiding any possibility of return trips to the quilt shop for more and any nervous wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth on your part because you worry whether you have enough.
Hi and Lo He has a built-in GPS that allows him to search and find any quilt shop and any fabric in any quilt shop.
Know How Much Dough Acting like a cross between an IRS auditor, prosecuting trial attorney and pit bull, he has to know, down to the penny, how much money was spent at the quilt shop.
Don't Wanna Know Taking after Sargeant Schultz*, he can't bear to know - even approximately - how much money was spent at the quilt shop.
No Place to Stow Sensing that your fabric stash is likely to take over your home, he argues and argues and argues that there can't possibly be any more room to store any more fabric.
No! No! No! In a frenzied state of obstinate denial and a misguided and attempted show of dominance (and one that is essentially ineffective - which he knows but won't admit), he beats his chest telling you that you just can't keep going to quilt shops and getting more fabric.
Oh No! Retreating to the far corners of the house, he keeps telling himself over and over that he really didn't see or hear that you went to the quilt shop ... that it was only a dream and he'll wake up any minute.
Uh Oh! He's perpetually caught between the denial and acceptance stages of your quilting shopping, simultaneously wanting to know how much money was spent at the quilt shop, yet not really wanting to know.
Say It Ain't So He's past denial but stuck in the negotiating stage, mistakenly believing that if he pleads enough, you'll swear off quilting.
Tales of Woe Realizing negotiating hasn't and will never work, he plays his last remaining card by painting a sobbing picture of despair, depression and destitution.
Oh ... He mutters something like "That's nice, honey" in a flat, almost inaudible, monotone voice making you wonder whether he really heard what you were telling him about what - and how much - you bought.
Oh ho!! Licking his chops, he relishes the fact that you splurged at the quilt shop because tomorrow it'll be his turn to go get goodies for his hobbies, interests and pursuits!

*Sargeant Schultz was a character in the 1960's TV series "Hogan's Heroes" who never wanted to know what was really going on and whose famous line was: "I know nothing!"

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